I participated in #BlackOutTuesday on Instagram on June 2 because, even as a Black person, I am not very outspoken about racial injustice or even my own experiences as a Black person. I, too, wanted to take time to reflect. To be honest, I am not very knowledgeable about the history of my people in this country and how it continues to shape the world we live in today. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I’ve realized that I’ve bottled a lot of things down — whether my own experiences or those of other Black people.
While I’m aware of these injustices that are happening and have happened to my Black friends, family members and those in the Black community at large, I’ve distanced myself from a lot of it because it hasn’t necessarily been my experience as a Black person. I don’t totally relate, and because of that, I’ve fallen into an apathetic state of not being involved or engaged in matters that don’t directly affect me. But, I’m not immune. I’m a Black woman in America. Just because I haven’t experienced some of these injustices first hand today, doesn’t mean that I might not face them tomorrow.
I think a key reason why I’ve distanced myself so much is because I don’t regularly talk about these things. What’s lacking for me is conversation. Sometimes I’ll have conversations with my Black friends and church family about race, but our approaches to these types of discussions have always been different. I tend to be reclusive and don’t often speak up. It’s in my nature to be like this.
I pride myself in being a self-reflective person. I’ve journaled since I was 12 years old, and it’s an anecdote about myself that I love. Because of this, I make new discoveries about myself all the time. Knowing yourself is a process that hopefully lasts a lifetime as you continue to grow and learn. Recently, I’ve been trying to better understand why I have such a hard time opening up and speaking up about things — not just in this area of injustice — but in just about every aspect of my life. For so long I’ve known the what, but I didn’t know the why. I’m seeing just how hard it is for me to be open and vulnerable about things and how to express myself outside of my journal. It comes down to a deep fear I carry of truly being seen for the real me, not just the surface level me, and being abandoned once I’ve opened up. Because I don’t want that fear of being abandoned or rejected or dismissed to become actualized, I’ve kept a “healthy” distance from people truly knowing me. This includes the people who I consider to have close relationships with. But, that’s not a healthy way to live.
So now trying to unpack that, to break through that and to speak up or talk or say anything at all in situations that go below the surface is very foreign to me. It’s something that I work at daily to get better at. Sometimes I make huge improvements, and sometimes I revert back to my old ways. It is a work in progress and I know it’s something that I will be working on my entire life. I don’t have a problem with that at all.
So what does this all mean? Where am I going with all of that information about myself? Excellent questions.
After #BlackOutTuesday came and went, the question became, “Now what? Where do we go from here?” What can we do…what will we do to continue moving forward? This struggle is not new and police brutality is not the only injustice Black people face; it’s just a slice of the pie. But, people all over are truly waking up to it. The efforts that have been made these last few weeks shouldn’t and cannot stop. There is a lot that can be done to affect change. There’s so much that people have been doing — for years — that many of us were not knowledgeable about. And right now, people are sharing so many resources and information that it’s impossible to ignore. The question no longer is “What can I do?” but “What will I do?”
I’m waking up too. Part of me feels as though I’m starting from the beginning. And maybe I am. I think the best thing I can do right now is to take the time to learn and educate myself about the things I’ve distanced myself from as a Black person for so long. It’s time for me to have real conversations with the people I’m close to, to start. Go beyond the surface. As I work on finding my voice, I know that it’s not going to look the same as what other people are doing; and that’s okay. As the saying goes, “No one can do everything, but everyone can do something.”
For far too long, I’ve allowed my quiet nature be in control. Don’t get me wrong, I like being quiet, keeping to myself and thinking before I speak. What I don’t like is when that gets in the way of living.
Enough is enough.
howimetaraya 
One Reply to “”