The Importance of Vulnerability

Warning: This is going to be one of those long, personal and reflective posts.

I’m (newly) 28 years old, and I’ve never been in love nor have I been in a real relationship. The closest I came to a relationship was right out of college. It was with a guy I was hooking up with (my first everything). Our relationship was assumed but never truly confirmed. In fact, it wasn’t until a year after we broke up that we hooked up a few times where he referred to me as his girlfriend. We were together for about two years, on and off. It was so superficial. We didn’t get deep at all.

For so long I always wondered why my attempts at dating or relationships never worked out. In high school, I remember how much I longed for a boyfriend, to the point where my mom thought I was boy crazy. I wrote these things in my journal often, which she read. Looking back, I felt like I was just like any other teenager though. But, when I developed crushes, and the few times those crushes were reciprocated, I didn’t know how to act. I was a shy kid, but for the most part talking to my crushes was fine. As soon as I knew they were interested in me though, I suddenly became ridiculously shy, unable to communicate, and in some instances I even ignored them. Back in junior high, for example, I “dated” two different guys. Both relationships only lasted a few weeks because as soon as we became a couple, I was too afraid to speak to them and ended up avoiding them.

I’ve always had trouble opening up to people, being vulnerable and letting people in. Even friends and family who I consider to have close relationships with. I am an introvert and dislike superficial conversations riddled with small talk and crave more meaningful conversations and connections, yet I’m incapable of having deep and connected relationships. There is something inside of me that won’t allow me to open up and express myself to others.

I am still trying to understand why this is. I feel emotions deeply. I’ve journaled for years, so I certainly am capable of expressing my emotions, but when it comes to expressing it with others? I shut down. Journaling has been great, and I love it, but sometimes I worry that because I have become so comfortable sharing with myself I have become less comfortable expressing with others.

In trying to understand how this all came to be, I look to my childhood. I had what most would consider a healthy upbringing. I was raised by two loving parents who love each other. I’m an only child. I was raised with discipline and some strict rules, but not in such a way that I wanted to rebel or break free like some of my friends who grew up in strict homes did. That may be more of a me thing, though.

But of course, there are some significant instances that stand out.

• Around the time I was seven (I think) my parents separated for a time. I don’t remember all the details because I was so young. I vaguely remember the apartment that my dad rented while it happened (which was just down the street from where we lived) and I don’t even know how long it lasted. It had to be for a number of months for my dad to move out though. But, they worked it out I guess and have been together ever since. We don’t talk about it now. In fact, when I mentioned it to my mom once she was surprised I remembered.
• My dad was very stoic growing up. The only emotions I remember seeing from him was anger. He was—and still is, actually—a yeller. He raises his voice when he’s frustrated or mad. Now as I’ve gotten older, the dynamic of our relationship has changed. He’s certainly loosened up in his old age and in his retirement, and the strict authoritative demeanor he once had isn’t as present. My mom can be stoic too when it comes to negative emotions.
• I remember when I’d get in trouble (usually for bad grades cause I sucked at/didn’t like math or science), my parents would handle punishment in very different ways. First, I’d be grounded. My dad would yell, as I mentioned before, out of frustration and disappointment in me. Later he’d apologize and hug me and tell me everything would be okay. Then we’d carry on as usual. My mom, however, would ignore me for a few days until she was ready to talk to me. It was especially awkward when she was the one who drove me to and from school everyday, and we’d sit in silence. It usually took a few days before things felt normal between us again.
• My mom read my journals sometimes over the years. That boy crazy comment in high school came after reading my journals. I always felt violated when that happened because she was going through my personal things. She read about stuff that I didn’t dare tell her — or anyone else. It was for me. One time I confronted her about it, and I told her how upsetting it was that she did that. She said she did it because she knew something was going on with me that I wasn’t sharing (bottled up emotions). But I told her how violated it made me feel, and she promised she wouldn’t do it again. And she didn’t until last year. I was down in the dumps about my dating life, and she could tell something was off but I kept saying I was fine. She read one of my recent journal entries and soon learned all about my sexual history (I hadn’t told her anything about it) and was deeply hurt by what she read. She expressed that hurt by ignoring me for sometime (which in turn was very hurtful to me), and it took a few months for us to get to a place of normalcy again. That’s a whole other story though.
• I did what I was told, and I didn’t question things. I was quiet and kept to myself. I was never any real trouble for them. I was the good kid. At times I was upheld as an example of how to act for others. I never wanted to disappoint my parents. Still don’t. Whenever I’d break any rule of theirs and do something that I know they didn’t want me to do or if something happened that I knew they wouldn’t be proud of,  I’d sneak around and do it. But, I’d almost always get caught. I don’t know how many times I got in trouble for having a MySpace when I wasn’t allowed to, and get my internet privileges revoked lol.

These are just a few things that came to mind. And I recently realized that growing up I didn’t feel comfortable expressing myself or showing my true self. Like I said, I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, I always tried to live up to their expectations of me. I strived to maintain my reputation as the “good kid,” and the times that I deviated off this path, I tried to cover it up because I didn’t want them to see my mess ups or mistakes, or my rawness.

To be honest, I think that’s played out in my relationships. Recently I wrote one of those letters to someone that you never send in which you express all your feelings and emotions. This one was to an old friend from church who I really liked, and he liked me. But true to form, I had trouble expressing that to him. In turn, he had trouble expressing to me as well. We had a “will they/won’t they” dynamic for years. I talked about how I’m very guarded and closed off, and I make it hard for people to know the real me. I’m scared that once someone sees me for who I really am, they will no longer be interested, won’t care, or will reject me all together. It’s a fear of getting hurt.

Recently I’ve come to understand that this fear I carry has manifested itself into having emotional intimacy issues. Now every time I start to read about the importance of being vulnerable, how it relates to me and even people sharing their personal struggles with it on Reddit, I start to cry. This wave of emotion hits me like a ton of bricks. I never liked crying in front of people. When I feel like I need a good cry, I go into a safe space alone and let it out. But even when reading up about emotional intimacy issues, I try to press those tears down because I don’t want to start crying out of the blue, especially if it’s from information that I sought out! When I read these stories, I play out in my head what it would be like to explain this to someone I’m close to. I imagine what that would be like to open up. It scares me to even think about having this conversation with someone.

I started dating someone earlier this year, before COVID-19 erupted. We literally went on two dates before stay-at-home orders were first put into place and things started to shut down. Before we met, I had taken a break from dating. I was tired of it all. Ironically enough, I was interested in making deeper connections and was tired of the superficial dating I had become so accustomed to. I wanted something real. Yeah, me who has trouble open up and getting deep with people wanted a deeper connection. So, I wanted to spend some time really coming to terms with the emotional intimacy issues that I have. Getting past the what and into the why. And I knew that if I wanted a deeper connection with someone, I was going to need to learn how to open up. So, I tried practicing with my friends and family a bit, sharing more than I usually do and not being so quick to shut down certain personal conversations.

When I was ready to start online dating again — the only way I know how to date at this point — I was determined to make a concerted effort to open up just a little more. I’m glad to say that I have with this guy. Even when I feel myself wanting to shut down, I try a little harder not to. And I’m glad that he’s been very patient with me as I’m truly learning how to express myself in this developing relationship. Sometimes I do get scared that I’m gonna get too real with him and he’ll just up and leave. I’m glad that early on I found the courage to let him know that I do struggle with opening up and being vulnerable; how I’m very guarded and keep walls up. Before, I wasn’t even able to say all that. I’d just behave in that manner until things fizzled out.

So, I’m learning and I’m growing. It’s taken me a while to figure out that this is what I need to do in order to have healthy relationships, but I’m glad that I’m here. It of course is a work progress, and I know that it’s something I’ll be working on for the rest of my life. I’m not upset by that; in fact I welcome it.