It is crazy how by re watching a movie you have seen before, you are able to take away brand new information later in life. Usually if it is a movie I have not seen in a long time, I will recognize actors that I have seen since in different movies or TV shows that I did not know the first time watching that movie, but I do now.
Recently I re watched 500 Days of Summer on a whim. I have not seen this movie since the high school/college days. In fact I am pretty sure the movie is a part of my now defunct DVD collection (Netflix anyone?). I caught the last 5 minutes on TV, where Tom meets the new girl Autumn while they are both waiting to be interviewed for the same position, and decided I wanted to watch from the beginning.
This movie came out in 2009, when I was a senior in high school. I remember it being described as “not your typical love story”. Back then, I thought that to mean it was an indie love story that did not follow your typical boy meets girl, they fall in love, there is conflict, but it gets resolved by the end format, but nothing more. Truth is, in my limited dating and life experience at 17 years old, I could not relate to this movie in the grand scheme of things.
When I rewatched it years later, BOY could I relate. Truth is, it was your typical love story, in that it was a realistic portrayal of two people who had very different views of relationships. On one hand you had Summer, who was interested in a casual, no pressure/no labels type of relationship, and on the other hand you had Tom who wanted the complete opposite of that. Instead of sticking to his guns, he went along with it, knowing good and well that that arrangement was not what he was looking for. And in Summer’s defense, she made it very clear from the beginning.
You know the phrase, when someone tells you who they are, believe them? Both Tom & Summer did not listen to each other – they were both guilty of going along with their shared attraction, instead of taking a step back and seeing that they were not compatible, and simply wanted different things. Sure, they got along well enough, had similar interests and chemistry, but they had very different views and beliefs when it came to relationships. He believed in love, she did not.
I have certainly been there! I, like Tom, have compromised what I truly want in a relationship for the immediate comfort of someone else who was right there, right now. And when Tom & Summer’s relationship ended, he is shocked and did not see it coming. He fooled himself into thinking that things were great between them, that the longer they were together, the more he was convincing her that love was indeed real, and that they had a future together.
The truth is, I know what I want, and I have known it for a long time. I am not interested in casual relationships, or hooking up, or dating just to date. I am interested in something real and meaningful and longterm. But I have spent so much time and energy chasing after guys who did not want the same things as me. And that behavior has lead to the biggest heart ache and disappointment I never saw coming. Like Tom, I became delusional thinking that things would somehow work out with each person, when I knew in my heart of hearts that they were not looking for the same thing I was.
This revelation reminds me of another movie – which was apparently adapted from a book – He’s Just Not That Into You. A point that stuck out to me from that movie, was the idea of the exception vs. the rule. Yes, there are times when the non committal person meets the committal person, and after spending time together they are suddenly ready to commit. This change is what we assume happened to Summer when she met and became engaged to that guy after Tom. But as He’s Just Not That Into You pointed out, you cannot live your life thinking you are the “exception” to the “rule”. The Rule in Tom’s and Summer’s love story is that they wanted very different things. Tom thought he was the Exception who was going to be the one to change Summer’s views. Not to sound cynical, but we cannot expect to be the exception. You have to see things for what they are.
It is a hard lesson to learn, one that I have not yet fully grasped. I have to constantly remind myself to see things as they truly are, and not get caught up in my head imagining how the situation should play out. I do not want to be like Tom, projecting my own ideas of a relationship onto someone else, when they have made it clear that they want different things. This is just another concept for me to wrap my head around during this self-imposed break from dating I have been on, to regroup and refocus in order to make wiser decisions. The journey continues.
howimetaraya 